


A Unicorn in the Avengers Tower, But That's Not Even The Important Part of the Story

by silverfoxflower



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Bad Fic, Cliche, Crack, F/M, M/M, Other, Trope Subversion/Inversion, Tropes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-10
Updated: 2012-08-10
Packaged: 2017-11-11 20:37:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/482676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverfoxflower/pseuds/silverfoxflower
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"so, the avengers fandom is pretty well established, right? it's got it's own tropes and fics clichés and everything.</i>
  <br/>
  <i>my prompt? how many fandom tropes can you fit into one story?"</i>
</p><p> </p><p>... I got 53 in 800 words. Captain Pike dares you to do better. (List of tropes used at end of fic)<br/>IDK THIS IS BAD!FIC PPL</p><p>Warnings/Contents: Jokes about alcoholism, PTSD. May be offensive to those particularly invested in fanon characterization.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Unicorn in the Avengers Tower, But That's Not Even The Important Part of the Story

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I was super hesitant to actually publish this story because in retrospect this is really bad fic and possibly more weirdly offensive than funny ~~(and because I wrote this while drunk)~~. Um, please read this with a sense of humor. For the record, i love tropes/cliches and (if you've read my other crack!fics this is really obvious) overuse them in my own writing. So.
> 
> Written for this [prompt ](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/7940.html?thread=15259140#t15259140)at [](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/profile)[**avengerkink**](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/)  
> 

Tony walked into the kitchen at 2 PM. He had just woken up and was hung over but also carried a bottle of really expensive whiskey because he felt the compulsive need to drink alcohol all the time. It was like how Pepper was addicted to buying shoes, except with liquor.

“What’s up, Capsicle?” He asked, upon seeing Steve in the kitchen. Steve had a unicorn on his lap. Huh, that was new. But not really because they were The Avengers and used to wacky adventures like being deaged into kindergarteners and sex pollen, although, _God_ , not on the same day. Tony took a swig of whiskey. Because of his daddy issues.

“Sssh!” Steve said in a mother-hennish voice. “You’ll wake my unicorn! And before you ask, there is a unicorn here because I have never,” He blushed to the roots of his hair, leaning forward to whisper, “ _Fondued_.”

“Your _mom_ never fondued!” Clint called from somewhere high and obscure. Probably an air vent.

“But Steve,” Tony said, taking a swig of whiskey. This one was because he secretly had low self-esteem despite being a genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist. “We’re married. With a kid.”

“Your _mom_ is married!” Clint’s voice rattled from the ceiling. He was probably in his nest, the adorable motherfucker, bedding down with clothes that he pilfered from everyone’s rooms because that was the only reason he knew how to show love.

“Ssssh …” Steve said. “Peter’s adopted so it’s okay.” He shifted his shield lovingly over the unicorn’s shoulder, where it was functioning as an unrealistically tiny and most likely extremely uncomfortable unicorn blanket.

“Bye Dads!” Peter, a precocious brown-haired child of indiscriminate age who looked like Andrew Garfield, not Tobey Maquire, called from the hallway. “I won’t be home after school because I’ll be busy making ou- I mean, _studying_ with Wade Wilson, that slightly creepy older kid you don’t approve of me dating!” He scampered away, clinging to the ceiling.

“GREETINGS MY SHIELD BROTHERS AND SISTER.” Thor’s voice boomed, and you can tell that because I wrote this in all caps. He walked slowly into the room, his hair billowing behind him like a luxurious mane.

“Oh golly Miss Molly!” Steve gasped, as the unicorn began stirring on his lap.

“IF PRITHEE THOU DOEST NOT MIND, I SHALL BREAK MY FAST WITH THEE THIS GOOD MORN.” Thor continued to boom, stepping into the kitchen, oblivious to Steve’s glare as he is oblivious to all things. “MMMM POPTARTS.” He grabbed a box of poptarts as big as an SUV and used his hammer to open the box. Nevermind that that was an impractical and dangerous method, setting fire to most of the kitchen and reducing the poptarts themselves to a pulp. At least he didn’t try using the toaster. “ALAS POPTARTS, THOU HAST PERISHED IN A MOST HEROIC MANNER. I SHALL SCRIBE A BALLAD TO THEE.” Thor scooped up a fistful of fluffy, googy, frosting’d poptarty goodness. “THOU ART MY LOVE AND MY ONLY LOVE, AND I WISH TO COPULATE WITH THEE.”

“Uh, Thor.” Tony said, taking a swig of whiskey. Because ever since Afghanistan he’s had trouble sleeping or being trapped in tight, dark spaces, or having his arc reactor touched (except by Steve) without having a flashback. “I don’t think that word means what you think it means.”

“DOES IT NOT MEAN THAT I WILL SPILL MY MANLY SEED WITHIN THIS POPTART’S SWEET, SWEET STRAWBERRY FILLING?” Thor cocked his head, looking for all the world like a giant, lovable, idiotic golden retriever.

“Okay, carry on.” Tony said, after a swig of whiskey because even Kim Kardashian’s sex tape got more hits than his.

“T-Thor?” Jane’s impossibly large anime eyes began to tear up. “Y-you want to have a sex life outside of kissing my hand?”

“I got this, guys.” Darcy said, and tazed him. By the way, she has slept with all the male Avengers and also the female one, as well as the hot SHIELD agents including Galaga Guy, but she’s totally not a self-insert character so that’s okay.

“Whatever.” Tony took a swig of whiskey. Because he was an alcoholic. “I’m going to go be science bros with Bruce.”

“What?” Bruce walked into the room and immediately hulked out.

“I think I’m due for my cameo.” Natasha said, looking scarily, sexily emotionless and simply covered in knives.

“Loki! Stop trying to have sex with my unicorn!” Steve yelled.

Loki, who was a beautiful, misunderstood prince of lies and was way more qualified than Thor in everything and also misunderstood, stood quickly with tears in his beautiful dark eyes. “Oh my god, stop bullying me! I DO WHAT I WANT!”

Then he threw Tony out the window and ran away.

“Hi, everyone.” Coulson walked into the room. “I’m alive, by the way.”

**Author's Note:**

> List of Tropes (in order of appearance): 
> 
>  
> 
> 1\. Tony cannot drag himself out of bed before noon. He is allergic to early mornings.  
> 2\. Tony wakes up hung over every day  
> 3\. Pepper maybe has an inappropriate relationship with shoes  
> 4\. Tony is almost, but not quite, an alcoholic  
> 5\. Tony calls Steve Capsicle  
> 6\. Everyone gathers in the kitchen for breakfast  
> 7\. Wacky, inexplicably nonangsty and ultimately unharmful things happen to the Avengers. One wonders why the supervillians even bother.  
> 8\. Deaging  
> 9\. Sex pollen  
> 10\. Tony has daddy issues  
> 11\. Steve is a mother hen  
> 12\. Steve is a blushing virgin  
> 13\. Steve can’t swear  
> 14\. Fondue  
> 15\. Clint lives in yo air vents (variation: ceiling Clint is watching you masturbate)  
> 16\. Clint likes “Your Mom” jokes/other obnoxious, juvenile humor  
> 17\. Tony has low self esteem  
> 18\. Steve and Tony are married (superhusbands)  
> 19\. Peter Parker is Steve and Tony’s adoptive son (superfamily)  
> 20\. Clint has a nest made of stolen clothing  
> 21\. Steve uses his shield for everything  
> 22\. Peter is dating Wade Wilson (spideypool)  
> 23\. Thor speaks in old-timey speak (a mixture of faux-medieval and Shakespearean)  
> 24\. Thor booms  
> 25\. Thor has glorious hair  
> 26\. Steve says funny 40’s slang instead of real swear words  
> 27\. Oblivious Thor is oblivious  
> 28\. Thor/Poptarts = OTP  
> 29\. Thor uses his hammer for everything  
> 30\. Thor can’t use a toaster  
> 31\. Thor writes the most glorious of ballads  
> 32\. Thor misunderstands Midgaridan term (trope inversion: Midgardians think that Thor misunderstood Midgardian term, whereas Thor really knew what he was talking about all along. Ha!)  
> 33\. Tony has PTSD :(  
> 34\. Steve is the only one who can touch Tony’s arc reactor (haha, canon, what is this.)  
> 35\. Thor is compared to a dog  
> 36\. Tony is promiscuous (and an exhibitionist, apparently)  
> 37\. Tony has made a sex tape (now this is canon)  
> 38\. Jane’s eyes could slay a baby deer  
> 39\. Thor and Jane’s love is as chaste as a little baby’s bonnet resting upon a field of daisies  
> 40\. Darcy/taser = OTP  
> 41\. Darcy is the fandom bicycle  
> 42\. Darcy is totally not a self-insert character, guys!  
> 43\. Tony and Bruce make beautiful, beautiful science together (science bros)  
> 44\. Okay, Tony is an alcoholic.  
> 45\. Bruce hulks out at the slightest proclivity  
> 46\. Natasha doesn’t really do much in a team fic outside of her cameo  
> 47\. Natasha is a super badass, sexy super spy with no emotions except scary  
> 48\. Natasha/knives = OTP  
> 49\. Loki/Horses = OTP  
> 50\. Woobie!Loki (Freeform)  
> 51\. I DO WHAT I WANT!  
> 52\. The defenestration of Tony Stark  
> 53\. Spoiler: Coulson is alive
> 
> ... this list is a mix of fic!fanon, tumblr!fanon, popular canon and the delusions of a slowly-rotting brain. If you have any more tropes/cliches to list, feel free to leave them in the comments :D  
> By the way, of any of you are interested in chatting, squeeing over gifs or reading snippets of my WIPs, feel free to follow me at [my tumblr](http://beatingsofabesottedheart.tumblr.com).

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Don't Drink The Water](https://archiveofourown.org/works/490260) by [Leopards_Bane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leopards_Bane/pseuds/Leopards_Bane)




End file.
